Do you remember dreaming about what your first job would be after college? Maybe you pictured yourself putting on business clothes every day, sitting in creative brainstorming meetings and—arguably the best part when you’re a broke college student—finally getting an adult paycheck. I know I sure did.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t what happened—not even close. My first job after graduating was as an advertising coordinator at a local newspaper in Nashville, TN. I was so excited about this position. From the name alone, I thought it sounded perfect for me.
I envisioned myself working across every department and helping them come up with creative ways to market their messages. Well, it wasn’t long before my little fantasy was crushed. Turns out that “advertising coordinator” was really just a fancy title for data entry.
I spent my days inputting data into a decades-old software program that crashed every few hours. Every day, I walked into a gray cinder block building with gray walls, gray ceilings, gray cubicles and fluorescent lights. I died a little inside every day I worked there. It was a mind-numbing, miserable job for someone like me—creative, energetic and a people-person.
But the problem wasn’t only that the job made me miserable. I couldn’t be myself. I wasn’t doing something I was good at. I wasn’t in a position that made me come alive, gave me energy, or brought me joy. I wasn’t even using my strengths or talents. I wasn’t being me.
Related: Recognizing Your Gifts
Have you ever felt that way?
Have you ever been in situations, gone through seasons, or even spent years feeling like you lost yourself? Feeling like you didn’t even recognize who you were anymore? I meet so many women who feel like they’ve gotten lost in motherhood, their careers or in other people’s expectations of them.
That last one—other people’s expectations—reminds me of a fascinating book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. Bronnie spent years working in palliative care. During her time caring for the terminally ill, Bronnie wrote a blog that later became a book about the most common regrets of the people she cared for. The number one regret was having worked too much. But the second one really surprised me. It was not having lived a life that was true to themselves.
What Bronnie learned is so important. It’s an opportunity for us to adjust our perspective and start making choices today that will help us avoid that same regret.
Because a life well-lived is one where we live as our truest selves.
Women often tell me they’ve lived for other people for so long they don’t even know what they want anymore. Even worse, they don’t even know who they are anymore.
If this is you today, I want to encourage you: You don’t have to stay there and wonder who you are or where “the real you” went. I want to give you five questions you can ask yourself that will help you get back to you. Consider them road signs to point you in the right direction.
Related: Push Forward and Get Unstuck
Don’t ask yourself what your spouse wants, what your kids need, or what all your friends think you should do. Ask yourself what you want. That’s a tough question to answer because we so often consider our own desires to be selfish. But the truth is that the desires of your heart are not bad things. They are God things. In fact, Jesus asked this same question.
A blind man once approached Jesus asking for mercy. Jesus responded by asking him, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Luke 18:41 NIV). Don’t you think Jesus knew what this blind man wanted? Jesus didn’t need the blind man to tell him, but I believe Jesus wanted to draw out those desires in him. And He wants to do the same for you.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never going to get there. That’s why I think it’s so important to ask yourself where you want to be in one, three, five and even 10 years. It’s too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day rut of life. We’re so overwhelmed with what’s happening right now, we forget to plan for the future.
But if you don’t stop and ask yourself where you want to be in the future, then you’re going to be in the same place one, three, five and even 10 years from now. Look ahead. Think about where you’re going. Give yourself a sense of direction—not just for the person you are today, but for the person you’re going to become.
Related: Finding Your Purpose Through Intentional Living
What breathes life and energy into you? Your energy level is a great indicator of how much an activity or commitment is in line with your true self.
Have you ever noticed how completely drained you are when you do something you’re not good at or that you don’t enjoy or care about? Sure, what you love might still make you tired, but it’s the good kind of tired—the kind where you want to wake up and do it all over again. So what activities from your past or present do that for you?
Too many times in my life, I’ve done things for other people to make them happy, and I hated myself in the process. I’ve even made purchases that I didn’t want to make with money I didn’t have because I didn’t want to hurt the salesman’s feelings. Isn’t that ridiculous?
I bet you’ve done similar things. Because, as women, we just hate to say no. I’m willing to bet you’ve made commitments and said yes to things you didn’t want to do. But it shouldn’t be that way! Let’s start asking a different question: What makes you like yourself? When are you the proudest and most confident? Do more of that.
Before you got married, had children, and started your career or business, I bet you had a set of strengths and talents you offered the world around you. If we’re not careful, we’ll stop offering who we are and what we have, and instead become who we think the world needs us to be. Chores completed. A warm meal on the table. A ride to soccer.
But what if instead of going around asking yourself what everybody needs, you asked yourself what it is that makes you come alive? What your husband needs from you more than a warm meal on the table, and what your kids need from you more than a ride to soccer, and what your job and business need from you more than tasks completed, is a woman in their lives who has come alive.
I believe every single one of you was created on purpose and for a purpose. And nothing makes me come alive more than watching women set free to pursue their God-given gifts. When you do that, you can get back to you, live as your true self, and make God proud in the process.
Chrystal Evans Hurst comes from a powerhouse family. You probably know her parents, legendary pastors Tony and Lois Evans, and her siblings Priscilla Shirer, Anthony Evans and Jonathan Evans. Every single one of them has dedicated their lives to full-time ministry.
I feel like Chrystal and I are kindred spirits. We both get energized by encouraging women to live out the truest version of themselves. Chrystal is a speaker, author of the books She’s Still There, Show Up for Your Life and Kingdom Woman, host of the Chrystal’s Chronicles podcast and a great friend of mine. Chrystal also has five kids! So, y’all, if anyone has an excuse to not live as her true self because she’s busy and overwhelmed, it’s her! But nonetheless, she’s doing it, and you can too.
In this episode, Chrystal and I talk about:
The other day, I was talking with a college-aged woman who I mentor. She was telling me about a friend of hers who is toxic and full of drama and negativity. So, I asked her the most obvious question I could possibly think of: “Why are you friends with her?”
She responded, “Well, she goes to my church, and we’re in the same friend group.” Still confused, I responded, “But why are you friends with her? You’re not a child anymore. As an adult, you get to choose who you spend your time with. So, why are you friends with her? Why do you want to be friends with a toxic person who brings you down?”
That might sound harsh, but it actually led to a great dialogue between us.
We might not be 19 anymore, but sometimes we still struggle with letting go of toxic friends as well. A few years ago, I was still hanging out with a woman who always just made me feel terrible after we’d spend time together. We’d meet up for coffee, and then I’d come home and complain to my husband about all the ways she brought me down. One day, he asked me the same question I asked my mentee: “Why do you hang out with her? Why are you friends with her?”
I couldn’t come up with a logical reason. That’s when I knew I had to cut her out of my life.
Related: How to Be More Confident
Do you have anyone like that in your life? Let me shoot straight with you: Why do you spend time with people who bring you down, make you feel bad about yourself, or bring negativity into your life?
Friend, your life is just that—yours. You not only have the right to protect it, you have the responsibility. That’s why my challenge to you is this: Make some choices. Figure out who in your life might need a few degrees of separation or need to be removed all together. Don’t spend your life with people who bring you down.
You have the right to choose your friends.
1:20 Five Questions to Help You Discover Your True Self
16:38 Getting Back to You with Chrystal Evans Hurst
42:12 Challenge to Choose Your Friends
Business Boutique Conference
The Business Boutique Conference is coming back to Nashville Oct. 24–26. If you want to learn how to grow your business and chase your dream, you don’t want to miss this event. To save $10 on any Business Boutique Conference ticket, use the code BBWRIGHT.
DesignCrowd
Check out our friends at DesignCrowd. If you’re looking for design work for your business, anything from a logo – to business cards – to your website, DesignCrowd is offering you, my Business Boutique listeners, a special offer to save up to $100 when you start your next project. Simply enter the discount code “BB” when posting a project on DesignCrowd. Or visit DesignCrowd.com/BB.
If you have a success story you would like to share with the Business Boutique community, email me at podcast@businessboutique.com.
New podcast episodes are available every other week.
Several years ago, I met someone I’ve admired from afar for years. I was on the road for the spring Business Boutique event in 2016, and we had booked someone who I consider to be a mega-celebrity speaker: Christine Caine. I couldn’t believe I was going to meet her in person and share a stage with her. I would have been grateful simply for the privilege of shaking hands, taking pictures, and hanging out with her. It felt like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But it was even better than that. We became friends in real life. The following year, she even invited me to speak on her conference tour, Propel Women. Of course, I agreed. We traveled around the country and spoke at six different events.
And this relationship has only continued to grow. She was one of the first people I texted when I found out I was having a baby girl. And she is someone who I continually lean on for mentorship and guidance.
Christine is just one example of the many incredible people I’ve had the privilege of building relationships with through Business Boutique over the last five years. Not only have these connections benefited my personal life, but they’ve also helped my business as well. It’s true what they say: “It’s all about who you know.”
The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of your relationships. The same is true in business. The quality of your business is a direct reflection of the quality of your relationships. Every opportunity that you will ever have in your lifetime will come through people. So regardless of what type of business you’re in, you’re in the people business.
Related: Building Business Relationships
That’s why I want to help you with something that many people find intimidating: networking.
I meet so many women who are terrified of it. They often feel like making new connections is only for outgoing personalities. But I don’t believe that to be true. So today, I want to bust three myths we believe about networking so you can stop believing these lies and take advantage of all it has to offer.
When you think about networking, you probably picture talking to strangers at a formal event and a lot of awkward interactions. It’s no wonder you want no part of it!
But do you know what networking really is? Meeting people and making connections. That’s it. It’s really that simple. And you can build relationships with people anywhere and at any time. I’d be willing to bet you’re already doing this every single day.
As women, we’re naturally relational and enjoy connecting with new people. It’s what we do. You don’t need to have a pitch or an agenda or be in a formal setting to meet someone new. Stop thinking about networking as anything more than making a new friend.
Related: 4 Friends You Need for Your Business
Introverts might experience more anxiety when walking into a roomful of people, but they actually have the advantage. Why? Because introverts are gifted at connecting one-on-one and building deep, quality relationships. They may not want to work the room or be the life of the party, but they’re going to walk out of there with at least one real connection.
Here’s a tip for you introverts: Start small. Scan the room and see if you can find just one person who looks inviting (bonus points if they’re also alone). Walk up to them and introduce yourself. I guarantee that anyone in that room who is standing by themselves will welcome a friendly face because they’re probably feeling exactly how you are.
Keep in mind that this doesn’t have to only be in-person. You can make connections online. For introverts, it’s a great way to get out of your shell and get some practice under your belt.
We all have this fear that people will think we have an agenda or we’re going to take advantage of them when we’re networking. It’s the same reason we feel weird about selling. But there’s a tried and true way to get over this: Focus on what you can give, not on what you can get.
Here’s what’s so beautiful about this idea: It will help you in business, marketing, speaking, life and networking. Basically, it will help you everywhere. I want you to approach everything in your life by focusing on what you can give. I guarantee the person on the other side of the conversation will feel the difference.
Related: How to Sell Without Feeling Slimy
When you walk into a trade show or event, don’t walk in there thinking, How can I get a business card or a new client or a referral? Instead, think about how you can provide solutions and real value. When you have that mindset, I’m willing to bet you’ll get more than you can imagine in return.
Remember, people buy from those they know, like and trust. So just focus on the relationship. Business can happen later. Because, at the end of the day, networking is just a fancy word for making new friends who can play a role in building your dream and your business.
Ken Coleman is an expert when it comes to making the right connections in life and in business. He went from having zero experience or education in broadcasting to become nationally known by strategically positioning himself in proximity to the right people. Today, Ken is the host of The Ken Coleman Show and The EntreLeadership Podcast. He’s also the author of One Question and the brand-new book The Proximity Principle: The Proven Strategy That Will Lead to the Career You Love.
Ken’s work is centered around helping people figure out what they’re passionate about so they can move into a life and career they love—just like he did.
In this episode, Ken and I talk about:
Many of you may already know, but I am expecting my third child (a baby girl!) in September. So, of course, I’ve been thinking a lot about being a mom and the qualities I want my children to have. I often think, What do I want for my children? Who do I want them to be? What prayers should I pray for them?
For as long as I can remember, there has been one particular quality that I have wanted above all others: Confidence. I have seen how it can be a game-changer in your life.
When you’re self-assured, you’ll reach for bigger dreams and write scarier goals. You’ll ask for more and assume you’re capable of doing whatever it is you want to do. You’ll withstand peer pressure (even in adulthood), put yourself out there, and take more risks.
Related: How to Be More Confident
Like networking, people tend to think confidence is just for extroverts and the social butterflies. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Confidence is a skill and freely available to anyone
Fear, on the other hand, establishes limits in your life. Nothing will build your confidence like pushing beyond your comfort zone, trying something new, going after what you’re afraid of, and realizing you are capable of far more than you imagined.
Friends, don’t stay stuck feeling like your fears will always rule you. Confidence is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Over time, it will become authentic. Don’t wait until you’re not scared to do the thing you want to do. Work on cultivating confidence in your own life and then go do it scared.
1:21 Three Myths We Believe About Networking
14:21 How to Make the Right Connections with Ken Coleman
50:55 Encouragement to Cultivate Confidence in Your Life
The Proximity Principle by Ken Coleman
Ken Coleman's new book, The Proximity Principle: The Proven Strategy That Will Lead to the Career You Love, gives you a proven plan that will lead you to more opportunities than you’ve ever seen before. And it's available now! Use the code BBPROXIMITY at checkout to receive a bonus Business Boutique podcast episode with Ken Coleman where we talk about the 5 Steps to Living a Life of Significance. Order The Proximity Principle today at KenColeman.com.
Business Boutique Conference
The Business Boutique Conference is coming back to Nashville Oct. 24–26. If you want to learn how to grow your business and chase your dream, you don’t want to miss this event. To save $10 on any Business Boutique Conference ticket, use the code BBWRIGHT.
DesignCrowd
Check out our friends at DesignCrowd. If you’re looking for design work for your business, anything from a logo – to business cards – to your website, DesignCrowd is offering you, my Business Boutique listeners, a special offer to save up to $100 when you start your next project. Simply enter the discount code “BB” when posting a project on DesignCrowd. Or visit DesignCrowd.com/BB.
If you have a success story you would like to share with the Business Boutique community, email me at podcast@businessboutique.com.
New podcast episodes are available every other week.